The Lone Ranger
A bunch of Indians capture the Lone Ranger and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. He leans over, whispers something in Silver's ear and then slaps the horse on the ass. Silver takes off.
Two hours later, Silver comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and disappears into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. He grabs Silver's ear, whispers something, then slaps him on the ass. Off goes Silver again.
This time, Silver comes back with a naked brunette. She hops off the horse and slips into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads again, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and still can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The Lone Ranger says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. This time he grabs Silver by both ears, twists them hard and whispers with emphasis, "Read my lips you moron!!! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
Baseball Game
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. They sat down and "Stand up, nuts" Everyone stood up "Sit down, nuts" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He asked what happened. A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts"
Chauffer Pope
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a CHiP (California Highway Patrol) in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief.
"No sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT???"
"No sir! Even *more* important!"
"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
If _____ Made Toasters...
If Kodak made toasters... They would consistently produce high-quality toast, provided you took your bread to the store and waited at least an hour for the results
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80's didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classifiedgovernment documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... It would be the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and could be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread until it pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic reproduction WWI pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless, would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but years earlier.
